Thursday, September 15, 2011

This Body

I don't know about most but speaking for myself the body has always been an issue.  In my youth I was tall and skinny.  In my twenties I was never skinny enough (in my warped view of myself).   Why the obsession with our bodies? Does my worth come from how my body looks? 

I joined Weight Watchers about 5 weeks ago and I love it.  It's not a diet, it's eating healthy and learning how to do so with all the food I love.  Portion control is what I needed to learn.  My husband used to tell me when I was discouraged about my weight, " debi, you can't eat the same amount of food as I do and not gain weight"....that really was an eye opener for me.  He is around 200 lbs, a hair under 6 ft. tall and works out five days a week. I on the other hand am 5'10, ***lbs and do not work out.  Hmmm...kind of a  no brainer huh?

My added pounds began when my Dad was hospitalized.  My older sister and I decided to treat ourselves to ice cream sundaes or cones daily after leaving the hospital for the night... After his death, I continued to eat, and eat a lot.  I spent most of my time in front of the computer or on my couch.  The loss of my Dad and my job days later added a heaviness to me that wasn't weighed in pounds.  It was my heavy heart.

Longer story short I gained easily 23 pounds in the last three years.  My back problem and then surgery added to the lack of exercise issue.  All I could really do was walk, but I was so discouraged by the weight I rarely did that.  My friends never got the big deal....because of my height it was not noticeable to them just how much I had gained.  I turned down offers of spa days, going to the beach or the pool. A couple annoyed that I wouldn't go because of my weight gain... "don't be annoyed with me because I don't want to feel miserable, I want to feel comfortable with MYSELF."  It had little to do with what others thought, it was all about what I thought and felt.  I find little difference in the act of changing clothes 10 times before you find the clothes that feel comfortable and you feel good about yourself once you find the right one.  When a person has gained weight, they can't just remove it to feel better, they can't change into a new body.  Not understanding why I don't want to wear a bathing suit?  Let me dress you in an outfit that is easily 2 sizes smaller than what you wear and expect you to lets say attend your high school reunion in it :-)  Isn't that a pleasant thought and even prettier picture?

What I'm getting at is this.  I need to feel comfortable in my body and in my clothes.  This is not the 70's or 80's mentality of I'm not thin enough!  This is being comfortable in my own skin, regardless of what a scale says.  In my particular case I know for certain that my food choices, portion size and lack of exercise are what got me into this mess and I can get me out of it!  I want to feel good in my clothes and I have a clo$et FULL of clothe$ that I have been unable to wear.  I refuse to by another pair of "fat" jeans in order to feel comfortable, occasionally.  Buy the bigger sizes and I can assure you, those jeans too will eventually "shrink" and it's off to purchase the next size.  I don't want to feel comfortable  in a pair of pants that are a larger size, I want to fit in the clothe$ that take up 90 percent of our clo$et $pace!

I do not have a thyroid problem, I'm not going to tell you I exercise, eat right and don't understand why  my body doesn't reflect that!! Come on people!  I had a portion problem, a fast food problem, an, I can't resist that cookie, whom am I kidding, cookies...yes plural problem!  I was the one whom once my Bible study gals left, I would likely finish off what ever junk food we were enjoying that night.  They didn't need to know how many cookies I could put down when nobody was watching!

  I would joke about my weight, my inner tube of a stomach like it didn't bother did and I'm not going to laugh myself into a larger clothing size any longer.  It is time to get healthy, not skinny, healthy and I have not been at a healthy weight. I have children and grand children I hope to be around for, and how selfish of me not to take care of my physical health in order to be there for them!  Food is no longer more important than being healthy for myself and for those I love.  Last I heard, heart attacks were the leading cause of death among women.  What is the biggest contributor to that, poor diet and lack of exercise....

Food or family?

In five weeks I have lost 8 lbs. and that is without exercise. I wear a pedometer from the minute I get up until I go to bed.  The challenge is to walk a minimum of 10,000 steps a day.  I am usually about 6 to 7,000 but everyday I become more conscious of those steps and add to them.  Little things like walking to the furthest bathroom in my house, I now take the trash out, a job my husband doesn't miss.  I offer to be the one to get up to get whatever someone wants.....adding to my steps always.

I'm not trying to be an advertisement for Weight Watchers, but I am never, never hungry and I'm losing weight.  I can eat unlimited fruits and vegetables that do not count as points.  I have a certain number of points in day and it's up to me how I spend those points.  If I want  ice cream I can have it...but then I adjust the rest of my days food with the amount of points left.

I already feel so much better, full of energy and already fitting in to some of my clothe$ that have been head hostage in my clo$et for three years :-)

Fearfully and wonderfully made?  Fearful, sometimes that I won't stick to it.  Wonderful, I think I'm headed in that direction, I'm getting there. 

I know I can't control the gravitational pull on every part of my body, but I can commit to being wise about how I live, a healthy diet and at least 30 minutes of exercise a day. I will no longer deny my body nourishment, nor will I offer it more food than it needs by overeating, or allow my muscles to atrophy because "its too hot to exercise" kinda attitude.

This is not about fitting into the sick culture of beauty and thinness, it's not about external beauty over internal genuine beauty.  For me it is being mindful that my body is a temple of God, why would I spend my time allowing harm to come to it?

I do want to be at peace with that reflection in the mirror, I no longer want to be disappointed in her that she has not taken an interest in her health and allowed this to happen.  I aim to get there and in the mean time my focus will continue to be striving for inner beauty.  Beauty, a heart full of kindness, mercy and patience and grace.  Once I am healthy on the outside I intend to be content with how I look regardless of a number on a scale or size my jeans are.  Healthy because I eat right, exercise and I'm a healthy weight for my height.  I'm on a mission.

I want to be around long enough to have many grandchildren, hanging out with a Gram that may have lots of wrinkles and sags, but they are attracted to my heart.

"I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well"  Psalm 139:14

It's a new dawn, it's a new day...nah...that belongs to Jennifer Hudson..........

This is what echos from my heart today......


  1. Debi, I can so relate to this post! It is exactly where I am right now! Looking to be healthy and age gracefully! Keep me update and we can encourage each other on this mission!

  2. I understand exactly how you feel! I'm just so mad at myself for letting this weight creep onto my body! and I'm only 5 ' 4"....I don't have a long it shows really badly around my waist!

  3. Hi Debi,
    Thank you for being transparent and sharing what most of us go through who want to lose weight but wait to do something about it. Congrats on your journey.
    I'll champion you on.

    God bless you day. Viola

  4. I just started weight watchers too! I totally 's really working for me..don't feel deprived or hungry keep it up!

  5. Debi...I'm right there with you and joined WW this week to keep me accountable. Congrats on the 8lbs! I bet you feel so much better already!


  6. I have counted points in my head for years and years! The older we get, the harder it is to keep the pounds off. I am a WW fan for sure! Good for you!

  7. Your post made me smile. People see me as thin, and think I never have a "weight" issue. And I didn't for many years. But an early menopause and it all changed! And I saw my mother & 2 older sisters who became very over weight, even though they were thin when young. I knew that at 5 pounds in even a year or two and I'd be 35 -50 lbs over too! And I love food! I love to cook! I love to feed people! I never got more than 10 -12 pounds over, but @ 5 ft 4 in that's like your 20 lbs. A full dress size! South Beach works for me. Also, my hubby & I log in our weight every Monday am. I need a lot of structure. In 6 years, I have gotten 3 lbs over once for a period of a year or so. But it's easier to take of 3 or 5 than let it go beyond! But people don't seem to realize that I am no longer "naturally thin". I would be over weight if I didn't watch it. I think God intended us to enjoy food. I think of all the Jewish feasts! We can each find how to balance "enjoy" with "moderate".

  8. I'm proud of you! Not many "grandmas" (and ones who look so great btw already) have the courage to examine their lifestyle and eating habits and really seek to change them. I am kinda inspired to join weight watchers. I have really been personally motivated by the simple statement that our bodies do not belong to us and we don't have a right to abuse them bc we had a bad day and want a half a tub of ice cream :). Our bodies arent ours. Its simple. God wants us to love ourselves, our bodies, but he wants us to take care of what is His. Not even for Himself, but so WE will be happy and at peace with what He made. Here's to being at peace with reflections! Cheers!

  9. I can relate as well! Weight watchers sounds like a good plan. Congrats on your good start!

  10. Debi
    I can really relate! I keep going back and forth with these extra 10 lbs, depending on what's happening in my life!
    People always say I don't need to lose, but I know that with the x-tra 10 I start developing
    health issues. They say a person knows their own body, so I just drown out others advice and do what I know to be best.
    Take care-Kimberly

  11. Hey Debi - I've tried to comment several times, but google wouldn't let me. I'm trying again. In the meantime, you really inspire me in so many ways. :)

  12. How are you doing??? Thinking about you and your journey! Keep up the good work!!


  13. So proud of you and your major 8 pound accomplishment! I wear a pedometer too and try to park as far away from places as I can.

    You wrote this piece so effectively and I agree totally with it. I want to be around for my grandchildren too...wrinkles and all:)